Let’s call him Daniel… Chapter 5

January 20, 2010

He is tall, maybe 6’3, but  stoops over much of the time.  He wears *cheap-hotel skinny jeans, hoodies and thick glasses. He has a pantydroppin smile. He is 22 years old.  He rides bmx bikes, a lot. A lot a lot. Every day, for hours.

Daniel is a manger, has been a loyal employee for more than a year, maybe two.

. Every single day the higher managers tell us all they will fire us; we are replaceable.  They pay us under the table, and say shitty things about every employee, behind their back and to their face. They encourage the employees to turn on each other.

Daniels shifts are the best, everyone is generally happy and good natured. Unlike every other shift.

 Daniel is robbing the store blind. He has a couple clever, very clever ways to accomplish this. The money just flows away. There is no inventory control. The money flows into the pockets of :independent pharmaceutical consultants: but mostly to the other employees.. He is Robin Hood; he steals from a management that uses and abuses their employees and gives money and drugs to the overworked and underpaid masses. That’s how he sees it.  SOme other managers are in on it, and do it too.

“everyone does it”

Every night before Halloween, every night we had lines from the front to the back, customers yelling, management threatening…and every night there was pharma and yay and it was insane.

The ones you thought for sure were trustworthy- even the owners relatives!- even they are in on it.

Everyone is making so …much…money

And I was completely oblivious, for a while….

*cheap hotel=no ball room


it’ll be so empty without me

January 18, 2010

I worked st the store from the last week of September and now I sadly find myself unemployed again…the last 2 months have been…entertaining.

Now that I can’t  lose m job for revealing the secrets of m work[lace, I can tell the story, all the sex, drugs a  ridiclosness

i can’t wait…



October 27, 2009

I am kind of rethinking this blog. On one hand, I love doing it. On the other hand, there is SO MUCH AWESOMENESS that happens a work I am afraid to post for fear of oh ya know, legal issues, sex drugs and rock and roll stuff…it just doesn’t feel complete without the stories i am withholding. Anyone have any ideas on how to hide a blog more thoroughly from a possibly interested but antagonistic party?


Cowboys and Dildos

October 13, 2009

Our fair city is host to a very large horse convention. people from the far flung corners of the globe descend upon it and…i don’t know what it is they do exactly…look at horses maybe? In my experience, they call for hookers, call for strippers, go to strip bars and porn stores. But maybe that’s just where I see them.

Two young gentlemen and an older gentleman came into the store the other night. All sporting unironic cowboy hats and large buckles. They felt the need to tell me they were from out of town. No shit sherlock. The two young gentleman expressed awe at the variety of my wares, stating they had never even seen some of the things we carry, despite having been regulars at the Hustler store. I said, well, yes…our fair city is MUCH gayer than cincy, most of the unfamiliar things are for gay customers. He then confesses that he used to beat up gays in high school. I then confess, “fuck you then, you are a hick and an asshole, and BTW I’m queer and if you wanna try to bash me right now, I’ll hit you with this enormous black dildo, just to say i did. You are in my world now, bitch.”

This appears to seriously morally challenge this cowboy.. On one hand, this nice lady has been very helpful and sweet, has discussed deflowering his girl, given advice on how to find the g spot- and now she is confessing she’s a homo and telling him to fuck off. Hmm.. He begs my forgiveness, swears he will never do it again. He then asks me about my life, and I educate him about my intensely boring kid raising-working for the next dollar just like him existence. And he apologizes even more profusely. He swears he’s never talked to a gay before and he had his whole mind changed just within our conversation.  He is as utterly sincere as an 18 yr old cowboy can be, and his boss thanked me as they left.

So, I win the Nobel Prize for gayness today, I converted a cowboy from gay basher to straight ally in one conversation. Don’t ever tell me being visible is meaningless.


Epic night. Just Epic.

October 13, 2009

Friday nights are always entertaining in the porn store, but last Friday was so epic I need like 4 days to get it all down.

Around 9:30 this nicely dressed lady and her boy comes in. Probably in their late 20’s, they are an attractive couple. She’s tan and perfectly made up; a bit thick, with big boobs and nicely coordinated clothes. Her man is non descript, dressed for a casual dinner. They whisper to each other and giggle, looking over our grand variety. The owner of the store approaches them to make conversaiton: “is there anything I can help you find? ANything I can get for you?” The girl pauses, calls him closer and confesses her purpose for visiting us.

“I was wondering if the guys here are into helping me out…What I would like you to do is get a bunch of guys together. I am into bukkake”

(if you are following this at home, and you aren’t up on your lagnuage of perversions, Bukkake is the Japanese term of letting guys  jack off on your face)

Ever the professional, the boss gets a sign up sheet together, takes it around and sees if the guys on the clock are into helping the damsel in distress out. Yeah, ok I confess I signed up cause as I said, I’ll figure something out, I’ll piss on her or something;  I HAVE to see this.  We only have a few guys on shift, so the lovely lady decided it wasn’t enough. As she put it “I want buckets of it”

Moving on. A bit later at the other store, one of our managers had gone down to help out. I didn’t witness this so I will attempt to recount the events as they were excitedly recounted to me.

**”So like this crackhead was mad and reached around the counter and grabbed the bat. (the anti theft device, aka louisville slugger) So (female mgr), tried to grab it back and then J jumped on her, and then the crackheads boyfriend tackled him and then A. got the bat away and then (female mgr) was so pissed she puinched the crackhead in the face till she spat out her teeth!”


And yet there is more. Very near to closing some obviously tanked suburban mommies came in to buy some vibrators. I walked them through the process and they picked out some vibes, but suddenly they decided they needed school girl outfits- to go home in. We tore through the store, they found outfits changed into them and all in all spent 300$ in 10 minutes. They left with their entire ass hanging out of their clothes happily waving their vibrators. (I tried to get them a cab, but they wouldn’t have it, so I walked them to their car in hopes they wouldn’t get raped outside. )

The night’s punchline ended with a dude coming downstairs and complimenting me on my old beat up tennis shoes. I was confused but said thank you. ThenI noticed that whereever I walked, dude was following me staring at my shoes with an obvious woody. wtf? So I went upstairs to get a male to come down, which i always do when things get creepy. Usually, the guys are awesome about it, But this time, the shift manager says: “NO WAY. I’m not coming down there. That’s the dude that offerred me money to smell my socks last week!”


**in a previous post I mentioned that porn store employees aren’t bound by conventional rules of niceness. We actually are huge on customer service, huge on being helpful- but gods help the asshole who tries to steal or start shit. U maybe be able to act like that in Hallmark store, but here, we’ll fuckin punch yer teeth out and then laugh about it. Don’t be fooled by the coke-skinny hot grrls that work there, they do not fuck around.



October 9, 2009

Dear Shoplifters,

Some tips to make your job easier.

– if you are the first customers in the store, we know where everything is, cuz we just opened.

– don’t put the SECURITY TAG in your purse. The point of removing it is to ditch it somewhere else, so it doesn’t go off when you go through the towers.

-just cause I work in a porn store doesn’t mean I am entirely fucking stupid.

– oh yeah, and pro tip: people who work in porn stores are not bound by conventional rules of niceness, so when we do catch your dumb ass stealing all the employees and ownership is liable to scream obscenities at you


October 7, 2009
from Superpoop

from Superpoop