Epic night. Just Epic.

October 13, 2009

Friday nights are always entertaining in the porn store, but last Friday was so epic I need like 4 days to get it all down.

Around 9:30 this nicely dressed lady and her boy comes in. Probably in their late 20’s, they are an attractive couple. She’s tan and perfectly made up; a bit thick, with big boobs and nicely coordinated clothes. Her man is non descript, dressed for a casual dinner. They whisper to each other and giggle, looking over our grand variety. The owner of the store approaches them to make conversaiton: “is there anything I can help you find? ANything I can get for you?” The girl pauses, calls him closer and confesses her purpose for visiting us.

“I was wondering if the guys here are into helping me out…What I would like you to do is get a bunch of guys together. I am into bukkake”

(if you are following this at home, and you aren’t up on your lagnuage of perversions, Bukkake is the Japanese term of letting guys  jack off on your face)

Ever the professional, the boss gets a sign up sheet together, takes it around and sees if the guys on the clock are into helping the damsel in distress out. Yeah, ok I confess I signed up cause as I said, I’ll figure something out, I’ll piss on her or something;  I HAVE to see this.  We only have a few guys on shift, so the lovely lady decided it wasn’t enough. As she put it “I want buckets of it”

Moving on. A bit later at the other store, one of our managers had gone down to help out. I didn’t witness this so I will attempt to recount the events as they were excitedly recounted to me.

**”So like this crackhead was mad and reached around the counter and grabbed the bat. (the anti theft device, aka louisville slugger) So (female mgr), tried to grab it back and then J jumped on her, and then the crackheads boyfriend tackled him and then A. got the bat away and then (female mgr) was so pissed she puinched the crackhead in the face till she spat out her teeth!”


And yet there is more. Very near to closing some obviously tanked suburban mommies came in to buy some vibrators. I walked them through the process and they picked out some vibes, but suddenly they decided they needed school girl outfits- to go home in. We tore through the store, they found outfits changed into them and all in all spent 300$ in 10 minutes. They left with their entire ass hanging out of their clothes happily waving their vibrators. (I tried to get them a cab, but they wouldn’t have it, so I walked them to their car in hopes they wouldn’t get raped outside. )

The night’s punchline ended with a dude coming downstairs and complimenting me on my old beat up tennis shoes. I was confused but said thank you. ThenI noticed that whereever I walked, dude was following me staring at my shoes with an obvious woody. wtf? So I went upstairs to get a male to come down, which i always do when things get creepy. Usually, the guys are awesome about it, But this time, the shift manager says: “NO WAY. I’m not coming down there. That’s the dude that offerred me money to smell my socks last week!”


**in a previous post I mentioned that porn store employees aren’t bound by conventional rules of niceness. We actually are huge on customer service, huge on being helpful- but gods help the asshole who tries to steal or start shit. U maybe be able to act like that in Hallmark store, but here, we’ll fuckin punch yer teeth out and then laugh about it. Don’t be fooled by the coke-skinny hot grrls that work there, they do not fuck around.


One comment

  1. Buckets?! SRSLY? Is she nuts?! Everyone knows you have to hit up Frat Row for that on a Friday!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: