Archive for the ‘Sex Business’ Category

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Cowboys and Dildos

October 13, 2009

Our fair city is host to a very large horse convention. people from the far flung corners of the globe descend upon it and…i don’t know what it is they do exactly…look at horses maybe? In my experience, they call for hookers, call for strippers, go to strip bars and porn stores. But maybe that’s just where I see them.

Two young gentlemen and an older gentleman came into the store the other night. All sporting unironic cowboy hats and large buckles. They felt the need to tell me they were from out of town. No shit sherlock. The two young gentleman expressed awe at the variety of my wares, stating they had never even seen some of the things we carry, despite having been regulars at the Hustler store. I said, well, yes…our fair city is MUCH gayer than cincy, most of the unfamiliar things are for gay customers. He then confesses that he used to beat up gays in high school. I then confess, “fuck you then, you are a hick and an asshole, and BTW I’m queer and if you wanna try to bash me right now, I’ll hit you with this enormous black dildo, just to say i did. You are in my world now, bitch.”

This appears to seriously morally challenge this cowboy.. On one hand, this nice lady has been very helpful and sweet, has discussed deflowering his girl, given advice on how to find the g spot- and now she is confessing she’s a homo and telling him to fuck off. Hmm.. He begs my forgiveness, swears he will never do it again. He then asks me about my life, and I educate him about my intensely boring kid raising-working for the next dollar just like him existence. And he apologizes even more profusely. He swears he’s never talked to a gay before and he had his whole mind changed just within our conversation.  He is as utterly sincere as an 18 yr old cowboy can be, and his boss thanked me as they left.

So, I win the Nobel Prize for gayness today, I converted a cowboy from gay basher to straight ally in one conversation. Don’t ever tell me being visible is meaningless.

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Epic night. Just Epic.

October 13, 2009

Friday nights are always entertaining in the porn store, but last Friday was so epic I need like 4 days to get it all down.

Around 9:30 this nicely dressed lady and her boy comes in. Probably in their late 20’s, they are an attractive couple. She’s tan and perfectly made up; a bit thick, with big boobs and nicely coordinated clothes. Her man is non descript, dressed for a casual dinner. They whisper to each other and giggle, looking over our grand variety. The owner of the store approaches them to make conversaiton: “is there anything I can help you find? ANything I can get for you?” The girl pauses, calls him closer and confesses her purpose for visiting us.

“I was wondering if the guys here are into helping me out…What I would like you to do is get a bunch of guys together. I am into bukkake”

(if you are following this at home, and you aren’t up on your lagnuage of perversions, Bukkake is the Japanese term of letting guys  jack off on your face)

Ever the professional, the boss gets a sign up sheet together, takes it around and sees if the guys on the clock are into helping the damsel in distress out. Yeah, ok I confess I signed up cause as I said, I’ll figure something out, I’ll piss on her or something;  I HAVE to see this.  We only have a few guys on shift, so the lovely lady decided it wasn’t enough. As she put it “I want buckets of it”

Moving on. A bit later at the other store, one of our managers had gone down to help out. I didn’t witness this so I will attempt to recount the events as they were excitedly recounted to me.

**”So like this crackhead was mad and reached around the counter and grabbed the bat. (the anti theft device, aka louisville slugger) So (female mgr), tried to grab it back and then J jumped on her, and then the crackheads boyfriend tackled him and then A. got the bat away and then (female mgr) was so pissed she puinched the crackhead in the face till she spat out her teeth!”

whhaaa??

And yet there is more. Very near to closing some obviously tanked suburban mommies came in to buy some vibrators. I walked them through the process and they picked out some vibes, but suddenly they decided they needed school girl outfits- to go home in. We tore through the store, they found outfits changed into them and all in all spent 300$ in 10 minutes. They left with their entire ass hanging out of their clothes happily waving their vibrators. (I tried to get them a cab, but they wouldn’t have it, so I walked them to their car in hopes they wouldn’t get raped outside. )

The night’s punchline ended with a dude coming downstairs and complimenting me on my old beat up tennis shoes. I was confused but said thank you. ThenI noticed that whereever I walked, dude was following me staring at my shoes with an obvious woody. wtf? So I went upstairs to get a male to come down, which i always do when things get creepy. Usually, the guys are awesome about it, But this time, the shift manager says: “NO WAY. I’m not coming down there. That’s the dude that offerred me money to smell my socks last week!”

 

**in a previous post I mentioned that porn store employees aren’t bound by conventional rules of niceness. We actually are huge on customer service, huge on being helpful- but gods help the asshole who tries to steal or start shit. U maybe be able to act like that in Hallmark store, but here, we’ll fuckin punch yer teeth out and then laugh about it. Don’t be fooled by the coke-skinny hot grrls that work there, they do not fuck around.

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a funny thing happened on the way to the funeral

October 6, 2009

So today, in the toy pit, these two ladies come in dressed professionally just talking and chatting. They ask me a few vibrator questions and I answer and then they start asking what the different shapes or for. Some people need more detail than others. These women pretty much wanted to pump my brain for info about how to get off. So, we are talking and honestly I am a bit more squeamish than one would imagine. That is why I never applied to anyplace like this before- I never thought I could have conversations with people like this. But it turns out I can, as long as I don’t know them.

 Anyway. They wanted to know about anal. I’m like, seriously? what’s with the butt people this week?? Is it Ass week on the discovery channel??  In the internet age, you can’t figure out who you could POSSIBLY ask these questions you have?  I am SURE there is a better resource than the *dyke* in the basement of the porn store. But ok. So we are talking and in graphic detail, I share my nuggets of wisdom on the subject, and we move on and they reveal they are on the way to a funeral. … ? the hell?? I don’t want to judge, but this is a rest stop I have never considered while en route to a funeral.  Interesting.

On the subject of things that make me squeamish,(of which there are pretty damn few) this here is one of them. Go look. No really. I’ll wait.

 

That is a pleasure periscope. Srsly. To look up one’s openings. Vag, is the suggested use. I’ll let that sink in.

 

Unless you are a midwife, you have no fucking need to see a woman that close. (ok, medical fetishists, maybe you too, in you insist- but this was in the vanilla store, ok?)   I love women. But it has never occurred to me to look up there like that. Can’t you die from blowing air up there? I think you can, at least my girl threatens to kill me like that all the time.  I threaten to poison her Jello with anti freeze.

What?

Yes, I am reasonably sober. Why do you ask?

Update: This

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Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll.

October 4, 2009

Sex: I helped two brand spanking new baby dykes pick out a strap on. Awwww. That is totally my favorite thing to do. I helped a very preppy couple pick out a double dong ~for him. I recommended some good lube.  I yelled at some college girl for screaming “disgusting!!” while she was downstairs. Don’t do that shit. Just don’t. If it’s not your thing, it’s somebody else’s so just don’t judge. I bet the queen standing beside thought your fat, fishy ass was pretty nasty, too.

Drugs: I realized today that the best and brightest of our local pharmaceutical consultants drop in every day, to see who needs what. And these charming entrepeneurs have a wide selection at hand. Amazing. It’s been a long time since I have seen such variety. On a related note, I also figured out why some coworkers spend so much time in the bathroom.

Rock: Someone please tell me the name of the cougar song? and who does it? It sounds techno, and it is all instrumental with random cougar growls interspersed. It’s driving me nuts, and I want it as a ringtone.

Roll: Today I watched a man with one leg, amputated above the knee, drag himself down the stairs with one hand while clutching his wheelchair with the other. He got himself back in the chair, looked at porn for a while and then  dragged himself up the stairs the same way. When he left, a security tag went off. We looked him over but we didn’t completely search him. We unanimously felt he had busted his ASS to get down those steps- the only thing he could  have stolen was one magazine- so…whatever.

The best thing that happened all day was when ssomeone caught me by surprise with a question, and I was a little bit *relaxed*. I was selling a vibrator, and was showing this young girl a Magic Wand– which is like the Mercedes of vibes and she blurted out; “Do you guys like test this stuff? Or if not, how do YOU know all this stuff??” I kinda stammered for a minute and said “well, I hear a lot of feedback from people in here, but…Mostly though, well… I think I’m just a slut.” ahhaha.  I didn’t know what else to say, I mean what are my credentials? I don’t know. ‘I’ve been screwing girls as long as you have been alive, Miss, I know what they like.” Sounds accurate but a bit blunt. I dunno. She told me I should teach a class. Which would be hilarious. I’m not sure how the logistics of that would even work, and I am not sure I wanna know. Have I mentioned I love this job?

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Let’s play ‘Dress up’!

September 23, 2009

Yesterday, they let me out of the toy pit to help out with the clothing and such. Two college girls came in and looked at our wide selection of Halloween costumes. We don’t just carry Halloween costumes! We carry costumes ranging from risque, all the way to ‘for sale, make offer’  ’cause we are Klassy like that. These chicks get armloads of sorostitue finery and begin trying on…

The little comes out in a Snow White costume that consisted og a bra top and booty shorts. Her (really gorgeous) breast were falling out of the top- nipple clearly visible(by the way Goddess.., thanks) She turns to her friend and says:

“I don’t know …is this too slutty?”

Um yeah! It is too slutty for Jenna Jameson. for gods sake woman, put some clothes on. I am in porn sales here, and i am saying YOU ma’am, are a hooker.  By the way, are you familiar with the fact that Halloween is in October, and we are in ***a midwestern state*** and could have weather ranging from maybe 70 degress and sunny, to blizzard. ‘Not tropical’ is what I am saying.

Put on a damn sweater.

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The Rapture

September 22, 2009

So yesterday was supposed to be the rapture, but I was in the toy store destroying broken sex toys. And finding notes like this:

“Vibrates, but doesn’t rotate”

Right before I left this cute little dyke came in, I check her ID- she’s 18 but confesses she’s a senior in high school. I tell her she was born the year I graduated. We were chatting. She starts asking me all these questions, and then busts out with ‘is your girlfriend younger than you?” um..yeah.. ? And then. “Do you work anywhere else?..”where else can I run into you?” WTF? Am I wearing ‘Eau de Cougar’??

But I’m a dog, so I tell her to come see me at the girly show this weekend.

LOL, why must I be like that, why must I chase the cat? My girlfriend is a saint, y’all.