Let’s call him Daniel… Chapter 5

He is tall, maybe 6’3, but  stoops over much of the time.  He wears *cheap-hotel skinny jeans, hoodies and thick glasses. He has a pantydroppin smile. He is 22 years old.  He rides bmx bikes, a lot. A lot a lot. Every day, for hours.

Daniel is a manger, has been a loyal employee for more than a year, maybe two.

. Every single day the higher managers tell us all they will fire us; we are replaceable.  They pay us under the table, and say shitty things about every employee, behind their back and to their face. They encourage the employees to turn on each other.

Daniels shifts are the best, everyone is generally happy and good natured. Unlike every other shift.

 Daniel is robbing the store blind. He has a couple clever, very clever ways to accomplish this. The money just flows away. There is no inventory control. The money flows into the pockets of :independent pharmaceutical consultants: but mostly to the other employees.. He is Robin Hood; he steals from a management that uses and abuses their employees and gives money and drugs to the overworked and underpaid masses. That’s how he sees it.  SOme other managers are in on it, and do it too.

“everyone does it”

Every night before Halloween, every night we had lines from the front to the back, customers yelling, management threatening…and every night there was pharma and yay and it was insane.

The ones you thought for sure were trustworthy- even the owners relatives!- even they are in on it.

Everyone is making so …much…money

And I was completely oblivious, for a while….

*cheap hotel=no ball room

it’ll be so empty without me

I worked st the store from the last week of September and now I sadly find myself unemployed again…the last 2 months have been…entertaining.

Now that I can’t  lose m job for revealing the secrets of m work[lace, I can tell the story, all the sex, drugs a  ridiclosness

i can’t wait…

Hmm

I am kind of rethinking this blog. On one hand, I love doing it. On the other hand, there is SO MUCH AWESOMENESS that happens a work I am afraid to post for fear of oh ya know, legal issues, sex drugs and rock and roll stuff…it just doesn’t feel complete without the stories i am withholding. Anyone have any ideas on how to hide a blog more thoroughly from a possibly interested but antagonistic party?

Cowboys and Dildos

Our fair city is host to a very large horse convention. people from the far flung corners of the globe descend upon it and…i don’t know what it is they do exactly…look at horses maybe? In my experience, they call for hookers, call for strippers, go to strip bars and porn stores. But maybe that’s just where I see them.

Two young gentlemen and an older gentleman came into the store the other night. All sporting unironic cowboy hats and large buckles. They felt the need to tell me they were from out of town. No shit sherlock. The two young gentleman expressed awe at the variety of my wares, stating they had never even seen some of the things we carry, despite having been regulars at the Hustler store. I said, well, yes…our fair city is MUCH gayer than cincy, most of the unfamiliar things are for gay customers. He then confesses that he used to beat up gays in high school. I then confess, “fuck you then, you are a hick and an asshole, and BTW I’m queer and if you wanna try to bash me right now, I’ll hit you with this enormous black dildo, just to say i did. You are in my world now, bitch.”

This appears to seriously morally challenge this cowboy.. On one hand, this nice lady has been very helpful and sweet, has discussed deflowering his girl, given advice on how to find the g spot- and now she is confessing she’s a homo and telling him to fuck off. Hmm.. He begs my forgiveness, swears he will never do it again. He then asks me about my life, and I educate him about my intensely boring kid raising-working for the next dollar just like him existence. And he apologizes even more profusely. He swears he’s never talked to a gay before and he had his whole mind changed just within our conversation.  He is as utterly sincere as an 18 yr old cowboy can be, and his boss thanked me as they left.

So, I win the Nobel Prize for gayness today, I converted a cowboy from gay basher to straight ally in one conversation. Don’t ever tell me being visible is meaningless.

Epic night. Just Epic.

Friday nights are always entertaining in the porn store, but last Friday was so epic I need like 4 days to get it all down.

Around 9:30 this nicely dressed lady and her boy comes in. Probably in their late 20’s, they are an attractive couple. She’s tan and perfectly made up; a bit thick, with big boobs and nicely coordinated clothes. Her man is non descript, dressed for a casual dinner. They whisper to each other and giggle, looking over our grand variety. The owner of the store approaches them to make conversaiton: “is there anything I can help you find? ANything I can get for you?” The girl pauses, calls him closer and confesses her purpose for visiting us.

“I was wondering if the guys here are into helping me out…What I would like you to do is get a bunch of guys together. I am into bukkake”

(if you are following this at home, and you aren’t up on your lagnuage of perversions, Bukkake is the Japanese term of letting guys  jack off on your face)

Ever the professional, the boss gets a sign up sheet together, takes it around and sees if the guys on the clock are into helping the damsel in distress out. Yeah, ok I confess I signed up cause as I said, I’ll figure something out, I’ll piss on her or something;  I HAVE to see this.  We only have a few guys on shift, so the lovely lady decided it wasn’t enough. As she put it “I want buckets of it”

Moving on. A bit later at the other store, one of our managers had gone down to help out. I didn’t witness this so I will attempt to recount the events as they were excitedly recounted to me.

**”So like this crackhead was mad and reached around the counter and grabbed the bat. (the anti theft device, aka louisville slugger) So (female mgr), tried to grab it back and then J jumped on her, and then the crackheads boyfriend tackled him and then A. got the bat away and then (female mgr) was so pissed she puinched the crackhead in the face till she spat out her teeth!”

whhaaa??

And yet there is more. Very near to closing some obviously tanked suburban mommies came in to buy some vibrators. I walked them through the process and they picked out some vibes, but suddenly they decided they needed school girl outfits- to go home in. We tore through the store, they found outfits changed into them and all in all spent 300$ in 10 minutes. They left with their entire ass hanging out of their clothes happily waving their vibrators. (I tried to get them a cab, but they wouldn’t have it, so I walked them to their car in hopes they wouldn’t get raped outside. )

The night’s punchline ended with a dude coming downstairs and complimenting me on my old beat up tennis shoes. I was confused but said thank you. ThenI noticed that whereever I walked, dude was following me staring at my shoes with an obvious woody. wtf? So I went upstairs to get a male to come down, which i always do when things get creepy. Usually, the guys are awesome about it, But this time, the shift manager says: “NO WAY. I’m not coming down there. That’s the dude that offerred me money to smell my socks last week!”

 

**in a previous post I mentioned that porn store employees aren’t bound by conventional rules of niceness. We actually are huge on customer service, huge on being helpful- but gods help the asshole who tries to steal or start shit. U maybe be able to act like that in Hallmark store, but here, we’ll fuckin punch yer teeth out and then laugh about it. Don’t be fooled by the coke-skinny hot grrls that work there, they do not fuck around.

Thieves!

Dear Shoplifters,

Some tips to make your job easier.

– if you are the first customers in the store, we know where everything is, cuz we just opened.

– don’t put the SECURITY TAG in your purse. The point of removing it is to ditch it somewhere else, so it doesn’t go off when you go through the towers.

-just cause I work in a porn store doesn’t mean I am entirely fucking stupid.

– oh yeah, and pro tip: people who work in porn stores are not bound by conventional rules of niceness, so when we do catch your dumb ass stealing all the employees and ownership is liable to scream obscenities at you

from Superpoop

the state of customer service

Ima tell you a story about some acquaintances.

There is this *bar*. Lots of people work there who are, how shall i put it..? Chemical enthusiasts. yes. Ok.

There is this entrepreneur, an *independent urban pharmaceutical consultant* named *Jimmy who frequents said bar, for to sell his wares. Jimmy’s wares consist of substances that are …hmm… habit forming? Is that the word? Yes. So his customers have the potential to be quite loyal, and frequent.

Jimmy usually comes through for them but the other day, a girl I’ll call Mary attempted to purchase some of his wares and entrusted him with her investment in advance of the product. Jimmy took the investment and then left…and never came back. Never produced said wares. Within 6 or so hours Mary would be in bad shape and was now out of money to shop elsewhere. And, understandably to my mind, PISSED. So Mary discussed the situation w/ her co workers and they have organized a boycott so to speak. So now Jimmy is mad too, because his business has dropped off completely at the bar.

What I don’t understand is why these *independent urban pharmaceuical consultants* don’t use basic principles of customer service in dealing with their customers. I feel like anyone with half a brain could do a better job of this.

Take some pride in your work, people.

 ahaha Names and identifying details have changed to protect ME cause I’m an innocent bystander to these idiots. Except for Jimmy, who can’t fuckin read, probably. And who has to be the stupidest dealer I have ever heard of.

random rant about queers

Can someone please tell me where the butch grrls are going? It seems to be going out of fashion, and that makes me sad. All the younguns keep their hair long and even :shudder: wear makeup! well, not ALL thank goodness, but I swear it used to be compulsory to cut your hair off.

SAVE THE BUTCH!

Or maybe I should stop looking at pictures of teenagers LOL.

This is why i don’t have a real job. Because this is the kind of thing I think about when other people are working.

a funny thing happened on the way to the funeral

So today, in the toy pit, these two ladies come in dressed professionally just talking and chatting. They ask me a few vibrator questions and I answer and then they start asking what the different shapes or for. Some people need more detail than others. These women pretty much wanted to pump my brain for info about how to get off. So, we are talking and honestly I am a bit more squeamish than one would imagine. That is why I never applied to anyplace like this before- I never thought I could have conversations with people like this. But it turns out I can, as long as I don’t know them.

 Anyway. They wanted to know about anal. I’m like, seriously? what’s with the butt people this week?? Is it Ass week on the discovery channel??  In the internet age, you can’t figure out who you could POSSIBLY ask these questions you have?  I am SURE there is a better resource than the *dyke* in the basement of the porn store. But ok. So we are talking and in graphic detail, I share my nuggets of wisdom on the subject, and we move on and they reveal they are on the way to a funeral. … ? the hell?? I don’t want to judge, but this is a rest stop I have never considered while en route to a funeral.  Interesting.

On the subject of things that make me squeamish,(of which there are pretty damn few) this here is one of them. Go look. No really. I’ll wait.

 

That is a pleasure periscope. Srsly. To look up one’s openings. Vag, is the suggested use. I’ll let that sink in.

 

Unless you are a midwife, you have no fucking need to see a woman that close. (ok, medical fetishists, maybe you too, in you insist- but this was in the vanilla store, ok?)   I love women. But it has never occurred to me to look up there like that. Can’t you die from blowing air up there? I think you can, at least my girl threatens to kill me like that all the time.  I threaten to poison her Jello with anti freeze.

What?

Yes, I am reasonably sober. Why do you ask?

Update: This